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12.01.2013

 
written yesterday

Maybe you all should know some real things about me, like this is the kind of stuff that I have always avoided posting about. Sometimes I like to listen to slow songs and they make me feel sad about all of the time that I had wasted, when I've done nothing. I walk by beautiful houses and seemingly ignore them, I walk past tall trees and don't stop and I stick my hands out of the sunroof on my car and don't think of it. I pass by so many people and I miss potential conversations, I care way too much about what people think about me. Everything in my life is so unfinished, I don't bring my camera anywhere anymore, and I'm stressed, always. This should be personal, and it is, but I need someone to know. Anyone can read this, literally, anyone, and I'm horrible at sharing feelings in person so I'm sending them out in text.

I think about travelling to seattle a lot. I even decided for a whole week that I was going to the university of washington. My best friend doesn't agree with me, but going there is a dream of mine and for some reason I can't find a credible reason to back that up. I love my best friend. She is beautiful, and a wonderful person, and a lot of times I get really jealous of her and it comes out in anger; but I don't mean it. She's better at taking pictures than me. And sometimes she's really annoying, but I honestly love her so much.

Part of me is just a typical teenage girl, and sometimes I hate it. I go to starbucks and buy overpriced coffee and wear yoga pants and do a lot of normal stuff. I have a lot of irrational dreams, like I want to travel the world and live in this awesome house and I sometimes think that true love is real and I've never kissed anyone and that makes me sad, so then I listen to sad songs again and it's just pitiful. But, on the bright side, I absolutely love music, and I can listen to it all day, and piano music really calms me. Actually, pianos just mystify me, just the fact that they can create so many different feels with a bunch of keys; I think that kind of music is beautiful.

My favorite place to go is to my memaw's house. I know some people don't like going to their grandparents' houses, but look, my memaw is totally awesome, and I won't deny it. I love to see my aunt and pick blackberries and watch my memaw and my sisters make blackberry pie and applesauce. And I can't decide if I like the country or the city better; I change my mind a lot.

I stay up way too late. Let's see, it's 1:41 a.m. right now, so.. I just get so much more inspiration at night. I have this really annoying cowlick in my hair that never goes away, and it's really bothersome. I should really spend less time worrying and more time doing. I would love to meet more people, to have more conversations, but I'm not very good at that kind of stuff. I'm really vulnerable and I trust people too much, but I believe that most people are good. Sometimes I think that I can tell someone's morality by the way they look at me. I'm really good at reading body language, and I absolutely hate arguments. I'm not much of a risk-taker, but I do believe in living. I believe that people should do what makes them happy, and never sacrifice it because of embarrassment, because that's only temporary. I like happiness and happy people, but I understand that it's not always there. Sometimes there has to be some sadness in order for there to be more happiness.

I dream a whole lot. About the future, mostly, I play out scenarios in my head of the things that I want to say to people, but I never end up saying it. I regret that. I'm odd, and I like to take my camera places and I really would love to go away alone for one day and capture the expressions on different people's faces. I think that photography is extraordinary, in every way. It's my passion, even if it's not the best. So, I guess this is why I'm here. I've thought forever that a blog should be a place for rawness and heart, for the blurry photos and the random conversations and feels of the day, and I don't know what in the world has been holding me back from this.

-ryan

2 comments:

  1. oh, darling. your heart is so beautiful, and i'm so glad you had enough courage to share it. i firmly believe that all the little details make a person. the little details are so important, because sometimes they tell the stories that the person is too afraid to say.
    xxx. -marcia

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