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3.03.2014

scattered thoughts


just yesterday, i almost decided to pursue writing a book,
but then,
i wanted to include all that i have felt, and heard, and smelled, and tasted, and touched into that book.
then i realized that it wouldn't be a literary adventure, it would be an autobiography.
just of me, a girl whom nobody really knows.
 
i thought about writing about love, and how everything feels and how it goes and how to get through it; but i haven't experienced any of it myself, hardly.
 
my mom tells me that i should be a screenwriter, and she's told me that for as long as i can remember. i still don't know what to do with myself.
 
all i know, is that i'll do something significant. whatever it is, even if it encompasses a cluster of small things that i'll do, it will be beautiful.
 
i can't imagine being famous, though. i can imagine myself in a quaint home with a multitude of thrifted coffee mugs and furniture, lots of books and many windows and trees in the yard. I would like a colonial house made of bricks, with a wrap around porch and a flower garden in the front. It wouldn't appear majestic to most, but extravagance is most definitely not everything.
 
i have so many dreams about the future. personally, i think that mine are more irrational, and more frequent, that anyone else's. there are so many things that i want to do. i would love to wake up early and read a book, or write a blog post, maybe drink some coffee, and watch the sun rise. often times, though, i stay up late into the night just thinking, thinking, and never get up to doing those things. it's terrible really.
 
and i always wonder what it would be like to sleep with someone else. i mean that in the most innocent way possible, and it's been something that's been in the back of my mind for awhile now. the thing about love: to me, just seems so unfathomable. it's crazy that there is some person out there who wants to be with someone like you, and they've been patiently waiting, just as you have.
 
and being as honest as ever, i believe that love is good. also, i believe that if God is incorporated into your love, it's better. although, i do believe that love has it's low points, and high points, definitely. and when you look at someone, you don't know whether or not you are in love with that person. you should talk to him, first. take him to coffee shops, hope that he takes you to coffee shops, too. go on walks. go out to dinner. talk about life. make sure you're on the same page. watch movies. ask him what he wants to do. hope he asks you the same.
 
these days i've been lost. i need to make my own decisions, and that is one of my worst fields. venturing out, exposed, into the world is terrifying, and i'm doing it. i'm writing it, i'm in the midst of it right now.
 
somedays i want to go to new york. i want to leave alone and live in a big city. i'm going to apply at nyu, also. and colorado. somewhere in colorado. this is crazy. and it's happening. and it's crazy. i get a different idea every day. but i've made this realization that i can go wherever i want. i can be whoever i want and i can choose my friends. i want to take a knitting class in college and write lots of things, as long as they don't  include an obscene amount of expository english essays, because i have an extreme loathing for those.
 
oh, but i have soso many things to do before then. right now.
 
so, this is what i've been thinking.
 
write a book / write a song / cover a song / sing / learn new piano songs / fall in love / break up / fall in love again / go to the movies / stay up late / wake up early / eat good food / wear a favorite shirt / wear it again / talk late at night with friends / listen to music, and lots of it / spend time with family / write poems / sketch / knit & crochet / read books / write down the good parts / be positive / dream rationally & irrationally / write down the bad parts / write down the good parts / learn / drive with the windows down and the music up / talk to people / be brave.

-ryan

5 comments:

  1. I read this yesterday and wanted to comment but just couldn't find the right words to describe how this made me feel and what it made me think about, so I'm coming back today to try again.

    This is beautiful. I love the way it flows, the way you write about so many things yet it all connects and resonates with me. Especially the part about love - "the thing about love: to me, just seems so unfathomable. it's crazy that there is some person out there who wants to be with someone like you, and they've been patiently waiting, just as you have." The same thought has been just as unfathomable to me for the past few months as I had crushes on this boy or that, and now that (I guess I can say it now) I'm in the beginnings of a relationship with someone I'm slowly overcoming the sheer incredulousness I felt when I found out someone likes me and wants to be with me. But I remember writing a few months ago about how completely impossible it must be to be desired in any way.
    But all of this - it describes the ideas that have been swirling around inside of me for months. I haven't even been able to write about all of them.

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    1. You, and your comments, are always wonderful, and they are greatly appreciated. The fact that I can right down what's on my heart and share it with someone is indescribably wonderful.

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  2. what kinga said. ^^ this is so beautiful in a messy real way. I've been feeling much the same lately, I've been faced with so many decisions and I feel like I don't know what I want (basically, I'm terrified of doing something I'm going to regret later). I don't know where I'm going with this really, but basically, you are great. and I adore that first photo so so much.
    (also: COLORADO. make it happen. come see me, okay? ;) )

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    1. Totally. I've never even been there, but I'm visiting this summer, so hopefully the visit will make me want to go to school there.

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  3. Ah that knit looks so cozy! You have some lovely shots :D

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